Keep Growing

My mind is running on anything but empty, but every time i try and pour myself on paper the ink runs dry. I can't seem to find what it is that's haunting my mind. Everything is running in circles and I'm getting lost in the loop.

Wash, Rinse, Repeat. Everything seems to be breaking itself down into its simplest form but I'm resisiting change.

"Your tongue is a rudder that steers the whole ship" but my mouth has been closed for days. I'm drifting in between thought and dream. Sometimes life gets going so fast that you get lost in the inertia. You'd think living on a boat would slow things down, but it doesn't at all.

I'm moving faster than ever but all I want to do is stop. Rewind. Backtrack. Your heart is a record stuck going in circles singing out the sweetest of melodies, the saddest of songs.

I'm tired of people being mean. I just don't understand the concept. I'm tired of being on the receiving end of every bad intention gone horribly right. I'm tired of being a punching bag just because I'm strong enough to stand the bruises. I'm tired of taking other peoples losses on my shoulders when no one will take mine.

Sometimes my optimism is a curse. Instead of disliking others I just end up mad at myself wishing I could be angry, wishing I could stoop down to that level and just tell everyone to go away. But I'm incapable of disliking a person. I'm incapable of not-forgiving. Maybe that's a good thing.

Except it seems to run against everything everyone else believes in.

Still there are days where I walk

With my ear to the ground so I can hear the earth pound

Out her faint pulse that's echoed in six billion heartbeats

But I am still confounded by the fact

That I'm surrounded by a sea of faces
Crowned in scorn

I want to tell them

Love is never the color of blood.

It's blue like the life pumping inside you,

like the sky echoing above you.

Love is not red because red is the color of stop

and love is always on GO.

There's no slowing down no cautionary thoughts.

I've never heard of a love where you only give a part of your heart.

You give it all.

And sometimes it gets broken.

Sometimes you get so hurt and torn open

that your soul can seep out of the cracks.

You just have to remember that it may be December

but it's summer on the other side of the world.

So plow yourself open and move yourself to grow

lnto the brightest star you've ever seen

Into the vision that makes up the best dream you've ever had

And then, keep dreaming it.

And if you fall, fall knowing

That someone is making a wish on you

Fall knowing that a million faces are watching

and waiting and praying on you

Fall knowing your going to climb up again

Fall knowing that sometimes you fall at the start but you keep running

Sometimes you fall off the swing but you get back on and keep jumping

Sometimes you fall flat on your face in a front of a crowd

But your heart will keep thumping

So start conducting the beat of your life

Because life is a symphony where the high notes

Are laughter and the low notes

The beginnings to happily ever afters

So stop waiting and start playing

Because even in autumn beauty occurs

You drive to New England and see the trees unfurl

The pearls of their soul in red, orange, and yellow

So don't stop now, keep going

If your stuck in a storm, keep rowing

If the walls starting growing around you, start mowing the down

Because life is too short to let someone else box you in

So glue your eyes to the sky and listen

Sometimes cruelty is the giver of what you need most
Sometimes love is a parasite and your body’s the host
Sometime your world has to flood, you save what you need
Get on the boat till the waters recede

Leaving the ground ten-thousand times more fertile

Than it ever was before.

Tonight, I'm a wildflower growing on the side of a mountain

Naked and lonely with my heart exposed to the sun

Waiting for the rain to come find me

So I can grow and become the beauty

That a hiker finds and will treasure

So much he'll want to pick me

But he knows I need me roots in the soil

So I can keep blooming

I want to be loved like that

Loved so much you can't measure.

Tomorrow I'm the penny thrown into a fountain

That you made your wish on.

But don't go home and wait for me to come true

Come and find me, I've already started looking for you.

Pretty good for a half hour...
Work Time

It's Undeniable How Brilliant You Are

I have rain on my shoes. (I'm watering gardens everywhere I walk.) I wish I could go back to that time when I had this unshakable faith in people. Being a little kid sure was great. I want to go back to the days when I knew I could fly. Things change and the same way gravity let me fall is the same way people do now. It's weird to think about. I don't really get angry ever any more, but what you said hurt her and so I got a little sad. It's weird how people can't handle the most simple of interactions.

I think what I hate the most is how everyone you meet asks you how you are, but no one really wants the truth. We all want the polished answer. We want to know that you're ok so that we can be ok. Because life's a circle and it always loops around when your least expecting it, so you better surround yourself with people who've got it figured out. I don't know why this would bother me, people asking how I am, because, in general, I'm quite happy.

I guess what I hate is that it sort of gleans over compassion. Asking someone "how are you" while you walk by them doesn't exactly invite an honest response. But a lot of this world (I'm learning) doesn't live honestly. Truth is no longer currency. It's been short-changed for something cheaper, faster, quicker.

Everyone is always rushing about, but I still haven't figure out why.

I need to go to sleep.
My eyes are shut and I'm typing blind.
More on this later.

Tyler

He called me on the phone, out of the blue,
(A sudden after-thought I’m sure)
He was gone, tired (or so I thought)
And then a silence fell: static
The deadline, the flat line
"Quick Nurse, call the doctor!"
"Quick Nurse, I think he’s gone."
(The chaos makes their fast dance faster,
Slower now watch out for the—)

"I’m high," he tell me flat, gone, nonchalant
Like the awkward wave you give a stranger or
The store owner who thinks you’re only there for trouble.
It catches me, his voice, his laughter
And reels me in, and somehow I feel duped,
The naive fish that took the worm,
But it isn’t even a struggle:
"You’re high"
"Yes, I forgot I had some."
"But –"
"It was there, in my sock drawer.2.5 grams, gone, rolled, and in me."

But it’s a Wednesday night and
We have school in the morning.

The pause.

I’m sorry and hurt and sad
And I don’t really understand.
"I have to go" he says.
I’m not really surprised.
The line goes dead (there’s no good-bye)

"Doctor, come quick!"
The flash of footsteps the door swings wide:
"Clear!" he waits and then again "Clear!"
Silence, nothingness, seconds, moments minutes
(Wash, rinse, repeat – it’s so commercialized now
So commercial and oh so sterile.)

"I’m sorry Miss, we’ve lost him."